Another Giving Up

Things were just happened few months ago
With this person that took over my heart just in first sight
How could it so easy?! Just because.... no reason

The way that the thing goes between this person and me was totally and absolutely fast
What would happen just happened
But, I couldn't get what is in this person's mind
like every the silence after the laugh and conversation
like I'm there but I'm not
I barely catch the response that gave from this person to me

But though... I'm still into... fallen
It's just hard to turn away
Things were gone very out of my expectation
Some significant signs for me was just some common signs that this person put out
I am those person who like to self interpret everything I felt or seen
And of course this time I do too

Finally, this person made me upset and upset again
This upset is not because that this person did anything wrong, absolutely not
Everything I was just so volunteer
Was thought that these could finally bring back something
Even not as expected but some

Some... just some... they do
some of these voluntaries do
But I don't know if I am too greedy to expect more or anything
I just couldn't get the enough "expected response"
I just felt hot and cold in just couple of hours
I felt like I'm there but I'm not

Everytime I scream to myself
getting enough of it, but there are still some excuses or even attractions that brought me back into
when the time that I was trying hard to pretend just nothing
and Everything just happens in front of me EVERYTHING

Saying giving up tonight
and if this person did something on the next day... (something could be one thing)
the promises would just fade

I could keep the promises to myself for this person
That promise myself that just don't give a look or care to this person anymore
and this would just totally vanished with a wink of this person

My friends are all slapping me
Asking me to wake up from this self fantasy
What I try to say now is:"I'm trying, very hard... too hard that I hurting myself."

None of any of these words above accusing "this person"
All these happened just because of I'm being too "newbie" for Love
At least I had tried for anything or everything

Believe In

The past few weeks before this was posted up here
I was trying to get to know to someone new, that would possible be my partner
I got one, this was a person that attracted me with smile
No reason, but attracted.

Trying a few ways to get through and to be contacted
Of course I did it eventually
The person's appearances was attracted me, and the deep inside is good... very good
I could say that the most self-defense-less person that i knew
since that we knew only each other for only few days...

But after talking for few days, I was realized that things happened to be too fast
and I was realized that I was getting know to another 'sibling' instead of 'partner'
Of course I pull out everything eventually

I hate things to be messy, I have so much of things to worry
and I looking for a person that could take good self care even without helping on me
I do not like that all things has to push to one side that make a burden to another person
after being together

I would really like to share my everything to my partner
I would really do whatever that my partner asking to
Only in the way that, we take things equally, not dependent always to the other partner

I really will give anything as long I could
I really will do everything as long I should
But in the sense that, make me feel "I willing to"

What I believe in relationship is, "I do"
These words, this sentence make happiness
Everything that I giving is not forcing,
everything that I receiving is all in "I wish to"

"I can take care of myself, and I'm not looking for anyone to taking care of me
I looking for a partner not a mother"
This is what I always holding while I expecting or meeting someone.

P/S : Bluffing passage, just spill out all here...

So long, but still...

Its been more than a year from the dark days that I had been going through
The struggles, the lies, the role-play and so on
Just to keep myself out of the water but still not helping
But fortunately, I had came over (but it doesn't)

I like feeding myself some drugs that keeping myself happy (not real drugs, I'm not even touching alcohol)
Play crazy, acts funny, stay strong for someone
But things do not turned up like what I was expected
Those silly acts seems doesn't work for me anymore
The prince and princess dream was just broken on my face
Things are started to grow out of my way, out of my capability

It could be the reason that I am getting elder and elder from year to year
Things that going to face are getting even harder to expect
I would like to find someone to share with
Someone that could give a shoulder to while I am needed
Is there anyone?!

I am keep telling to the others that I am really fine with single
But behind the people, I'm still wishing there is someone for me

So long, but still waiting
For you to even turn back to have a look
Thought that I've been over you
So, that's you the reason to pull me back into those deep dark thoughts
And till now only I realize, that I couldn't get you out of my mind

But I trying my best to tell myself
That "Life still goes on, time doesn't wait"
Although as others say things will be fine eventually
But this eventually seems last eternally

Hope it ends at somehow in the future
So that I could sleep well at every night
Do not need any distraction to against these stupid thoughts
and make me stay alive while I'm alone
Cause these feels killing me.

p/s: These are just some spilling out in an insomnia night

Mind set straight line

its been a really happy day 've been
an early left on the seminar(what they called discussion)
makes me hav another empty time slot to take a rest throught the busy days recently

what the story teller would always say while things happen to be too good to the character would be
".... but..." , "..., however...",
really hate this... things turns really in a sudden to 180 degrees
a really huge fight around the house
little member just had enough with the blamming or yelling or whatever by the elder member
things should be alright in our chinese culture but it seems a bit different today
the little member just shout and ran out of the house....
with his mother and brother running behind of him
the brother seems to be knew what this little member thought of... walking like ntg happening instead of chasing around and started to looking around
yup, of course this little member found with her mother starring and cant do ntg but  worries to him
stand far away and watched and guard her little sweetheart frm far away...
his brother was trying his best to comfort him but failed
(another character introduce: the father)
this brother took his car key and hoping his little brother would like to go further frm the scene...
but the father was back frm work...
his brother thn left the comforting work to his father (for no reason...)
without knowing how is the story end
the brother left the scene...
going out alone to gasp some fresh air

ignorance of physically and mentally in what kind of scene would be bad enough that it could spoil everything in or out

how is the end?! not willing to know...
not cold blooded but stay clear and out of the scene... so anything happen would br the clearest...

written by: the brother!!