Ridiculous Night

Its been long time that I couldn't sleep just because of thinking
Especially 'you' that I was always talking
The thought was seems calm and silent until yesterday night
A dream that you had appeared unexpectedly and had accompanied throughout

This makes me starting to think that 'Do I really getting over this someone'
That I always telling myself I could stay calm when this someone standing in front of me
I could talk and act as like as how I'm dealing with others
But it seems fake and wrong after this dream

"Hey, I do really miss you
I do really miss the feel that surrounded by you
Although least but still" - at least I admit now

This ridiculous night together with a movie that I had been watch over and over
Triggered that deep down feeling
and start to ask question to Tarot cards and I seems trusting it more than trusting myself

An insomnia night is always a nightmare for me
A happening, real time nightmare that having some uncommon thoughts
Starting to think of the mess that no one would thinking of
Think of someone that thought that I could get over with
Think of the only memories of anything, something, everything

Someone could suggest some ways to help
To make me really get over with this someone
The person that I really thinking of so long time and never been seen in a while
HEY?? ANY IDEA??

I am really scare that I diving too deep until that it hurt back myself
And what I got was just nothing but desperate
Or should I just tell to this someone How I feel and let the answer found from the action that returned?
IS Stubborn a sign of Capricon?

What I did, what I have

Been through months that without blogging
to try to express my emotion in another way
but what I having now is just hiding the negative emotion
with some fake and funny laughs and smiles for sometimes while the emotion was there.

I'm watching some really lame western SOAP that none of my friends around understand
and I've no idea why I'm doing this but I just kind of like it
Every scene in every SOAP I am really put myself into it
Since from the first SOAP that I watched.

I could really easily got the emotion that the actors try to express
Negative or positive, I could really really get the feelings
then I trapped into a deep deep blue emotion and trying to hide it out

Sometimes I really praying for someone who I can really depends on
the one that could really understand the truth feeling that I actually hiding behind now
the one that could try to tell me that I could leave those "silly" SOAP away
that actually helping myself to getting more pathetic from time to time after watching them

I'm not really trying to accusing anyone, just that I couldn't really know that
why I'm doing something pathetic and hurting myself deeply and without any expression
then just "close case" after that...

There are many times that I could really release this bad habit
but it comes back while I'm staying alone
Ya!! Alone is a problem. I'm really stop socializing
closing myself from the outside world
Maybe I just really hate myself on even I couldn't really understand
what is going on inside me

After this I could really scold myself "you had what you did"
I've been losing everything I could lose except for my body
Even me self also not sure that I had lost my soul....
Stupid me but no sorry for me...

p/s : no offense to those SOAPs that mentioned.