Another Conclusion

its the end of another year
a really tough life and hard times had been through within this year
how is it?? juz nice or juz bad??
im really having fun of course...
and the world outside had taught me much too...

i will proudly say im grow
i learnt much and realizing quite lots of thing eventually...
falling into someone that even myself could believe it...
though it still on going but i wouldn't doing something crazy to you or to me myself

and someone told me that there is a people is in love with me...
and my advice to her is... pls stay away from me... i dont think i will... not you are bad... is that it is too good for me

im not ready to any relationship
that way from my sight
and selfish-ly to mention...
i could hardly accept a person before im fall interested on that person...

a day before the end of the year
concluding this year is a really tough year...
my emotion was in bottom hill and slowly, gradually climbing towards the top and fallen again and climb back
and now i learnt to hold back my emotion... hold back my feel to anyone
of course hold back the silly stop-and-wait thought of that "one day" could come by so that my wish will come true

hoping that the next year could awake from this "beautiful nightmare"...
could finally find a person that could share our hugs...
W-I-S-H~~

Ridiculous Night

Its been long time that I couldn't sleep just because of thinking
Especially 'you' that I was always talking
The thought was seems calm and silent until yesterday night
A dream that you had appeared unexpectedly and had accompanied throughout

This makes me starting to think that 'Do I really getting over this someone'
That I always telling myself I could stay calm when this someone standing in front of me
I could talk and act as like as how I'm dealing with others
But it seems fake and wrong after this dream

"Hey, I do really miss you
I do really miss the feel that surrounded by you
Although least but still" - at least I admit now

This ridiculous night together with a movie that I had been watch over and over
Triggered that deep down feeling
and start to ask question to Tarot cards and I seems trusting it more than trusting myself

An insomnia night is always a nightmare for me
A happening, real time nightmare that having some uncommon thoughts
Starting to think of the mess that no one would thinking of
Think of someone that thought that I could get over with
Think of the only memories of anything, something, everything

Someone could suggest some ways to help
To make me really get over with this someone
The person that I really thinking of so long time and never been seen in a while
HEY?? ANY IDEA??

I am really scare that I diving too deep until that it hurt back myself
And what I got was just nothing but desperate
Or should I just tell to this someone How I feel and let the answer found from the action that returned?
IS Stubborn a sign of Capricon?

What I did, what I have

Been through months that without blogging
to try to express my emotion in another way
but what I having now is just hiding the negative emotion
with some fake and funny laughs and smiles for sometimes while the emotion was there.

I'm watching some really lame western SOAP that none of my friends around understand
and I've no idea why I'm doing this but I just kind of like it
Every scene in every SOAP I am really put myself into it
Since from the first SOAP that I watched.

I could really easily got the emotion that the actors try to express
Negative or positive, I could really really get the feelings
then I trapped into a deep deep blue emotion and trying to hide it out

Sometimes I really praying for someone who I can really depends on
the one that could really understand the truth feeling that I actually hiding behind now
the one that could try to tell me that I could leave those "silly" SOAP away
that actually helping myself to getting more pathetic from time to time after watching them

I'm not really trying to accusing anyone, just that I couldn't really know that
why I'm doing something pathetic and hurting myself deeply and without any expression
then just "close case" after that...

There are many times that I could really release this bad habit
but it comes back while I'm staying alone
Ya!! Alone is a problem. I'm really stop socializing
closing myself from the outside world
Maybe I just really hate myself on even I couldn't really understand
what is going on inside me

After this I could really scold myself "you had what you did"
I've been losing everything I could lose except for my body
Even me self also not sure that I had lost my soul....
Stupid me but no sorry for me...

p/s : no offense to those SOAPs that mentioned.

In or Out? Tick or Cross?

I've took a month of leave
For mind clearance before proceeding to my whole new life
The another stage of my life

During this month, I had finally found myself out
The one that always staying in the confusion
But while the way of searching and looking
The more answer I got, the more chaotic my mind is
Repeating those movies that I got my answer from
Watch over and over again...
Don't ask why, I had no any idea why I'm doing this

Soap Opera is the word that I never thought that I will touch in my life
It seems meaningless to me previously
The first Soap Opera that I watched surprisingly was a Germany Soap Opera - Verbotene Liebe
The stories inside telling me that to preserve a long term relationship are to confess their secret
and most important to be faithful to his/her partner
But the question came to my mind after watching the movie is "Is faithfulness still exist in a relationship?"
Question Remained Unanswered

From the recommended video by the channel that I watching
I found the second "Soap Opera" that attracted me and quite surprise also
A Spanish TV Series - Física o Química
The story setting was in a high school that telling the story of the students in a school
How relationship end and how another starts
How regret is while losing someone that loved you or in love with
The most thing I got in this drama is "Learnt to cherish, only while something is lost"

This two drama re-messed up my mind so much
That should I choose what I had chosen
I can't just simply get what I want in my life
The consequences coming are not as easy as I expect
Should or shouldn't is the question that I always asking
I really really scared that I had missed a chance or an option
But I also scared that the choice I'd picked would hurt the people I use to care around me

Throughout the month, I realized something
But also had messed up everything
Its a lucky month for me? or a bad month for me?
A good choice to take a rest? or A bad choice to make myself free for thinking?

Music score and Me

Trapping myself with past scene
While fantasy and picture mixed
It make days become worse to me
You are the one that "fragiled" me
and you too that make me realized
Fantasy couldn't stand long in realistic

A piano pedal makes the music sounds worse if it doesn't release fairly
Only the balance action on pressing and releasing could make the performace sounds amazing
Now I'm pressing the pedal as hardly as I could
Thinking that the sustaining sound could last forever
But it makes the music worse
joining all unrelated individual together

Yup, a tie in music score is working
That could make bonds while bar line is seperating
But only for right notes that sounds agree with each other
Are you the one? I'm still holding pedal.... and I'll stay don't know until I release and make things clear

Two ways:
1. Replay that paragraph but with pressing pedal fairly and correctly
2. Forget the previous paragraph move forward and learn from the previous.

I like this paragraph so much
But it is in minor key
Do the score continue to be in minor?
Who knows except the composer...

Decide, Decided, Decision

Jay Brannan - the singer that only recognized by me recently
Because of the song that he sang in one movie and the song name called "Lower my Gun"
That impressed me so much on the emotional days I had recently.
Actually I can't really get the whole meaning of the song
but the melody and the style of this song attracting me so much
especially the intro chords of the songs.

His kinda courageous that he wrote words that hard to seen in ordinary songs' lyrics
but its fine for me, the appearance of those words are just like
"Ya, it should be there. This word should appear in this line."

The another song that touches my recent emotion
 "Can't Have it All"  by Jay Brannan
I am now living in a choosing life
That I have to choose from choices that given to me
but I would really like to have all of those choices
The words that immediate came out in my thought are
"Why I  shouldn't choose all of them? Why should I choose?"
Just like the lyrics of the song said
"F*** this, this can't be my life" and "Its driving me crazy that I can't have it all"

I don't think the world outside is greater than what I see now
I just wanna to have the things I like to around
Why should I choose from all the things that I love?
Why should I choose from my love with their love?
I'm just the one, that scared to be alone,
I just want someone that I considered and considering me
Someone that "Lower my Gun"

Unfamiliar Me - The Fragile One

I've been looking  back at me
Comparing the "myself" before and after meeting you
I had a conclusion that, I'm not as strong as previously
I could not withstand any extra stress, or pressure from outside to inside of me

As like the song by Westlife - "Fragile Heart"
This song has been my “Title song" as my friends said
Who know what is happening in me
It is true,
The changes in me is, I become more fragile than before
Cause I could not withstand stress anymore
I'm not blaming anyone that make my heart "fragile"
Just I've got a "stone heart" since my father took away my important thing
But, you're the next person that could turn "it" fragile
As fragile as it will break even a single light touch

I started to cover my real self from the outside world
Do not even expose it anyone anymore
Because I am also confusing in myself on what I looking for
My world had totally messed up
Till that I had never seen before
I could even stop thinking and responding in some important occasions
The shadows of things that I do not wish to think of
Suddenly pushing up from the bottom of my mind

Few times in the night
I hardly to fall asleep just because of the messed up mind
Now, I barely cannot accept who am I
The unfamiliar one, that I don't even understand
Sometimes, I was thinking that I was making the scar bleed again
While try to figure out the answer to these questions in my mind

This is the consequences of stepping into the region of should not be in
The region that a friend and a friend should not stepping into
The region that someone others would hardly thought that I would fell into
Feeling strange?! Even I do.
Hesitating in front of few doors that leading to different life
“Friend", I am glad to know you and glad to place you in my special place in my heart
I will not regret to do this
For me you deserve it.

Till now, the things that I knew is this unfamiliar me appears not because of you
Is because I wish to take another further step to you
But I could not stand with the consequences of this little footstep
That could even break our friendship.

WISH ME LUCK to discover this unfamiliar me,
ending this endless game that hurting myself,
Stop me from crying in no tears while in the midnight.
"To mend this fragile heart."(Westlife, Fragile Heart)

纯粹的发泄

"The earth does not stop turning, if without you." said by one of my friend

that inspired by unknown.

Yes! It is true, for the me I was.

Your leaving do make my world stop turning

Brain, Thoughts, Emotions...

It stops at when you are still with me

keep replaying the scene that I love to

Perhaps sweet, but hurts

I cannot move my concern from you

Although my eyes and words are saying 

"I'm not going to say, think, care of you anymore."

but my will do care.

Concerning who you being with

Concerning what are you doing

Don't ask me why I fall in love to you and why I'm acting this way

This is also the question that I'm wondering

You seems attractive to anyone else

But what they said, it does not apply to me
Not you are not attractive to me
It just not that way they said.

Everyday I have to make myself busy

to stop my brain to think of you even once

Belived that the time will bring me a new fresh life

turn me into a new empty page that to be written on

But it seems not working

Sometimes even a small incident

It triggers back the memories,

Pulled back all the scene that been through.

Then it crashed my day again

It used a while for me to clean this “sh*t”, stay calm

and reminding myself not to fall in love to someone anymore

because it really hurts

Now, I rather single than looking for someone
Because the feels of breaking heart is hurts

Yup, I am losing confidence in myself

I have no good look, lack of confidence, afraid and ashamed to know new friends
So Cupid does not bless in me

Just call me a coward 

Because I'm not dare to take a risk

To tell you that "I love you"

Call me an idiot 

Because I miss you

Without letting you know

Hurts self badly

Pretending nothing in front of the crowd.

Yup, that is me.

** Inspired by the movie: "Were the World Mine"

禁断爱

原来爱的世界里是复杂的
即使你只是刚刚踏入入门的暗恋的境界
就已经注定了
在这场战火连天的战场中
只会出现这两种结果
一   凯旋而归
二   战死沙场
这是普通的爱情

当你已经触碰到那禁忌般的爱情
那   结果就已经肯定的多了
给于我这种不会表达自己的人来说
普通的已经难得登天
何况这种进阶版的
我真的很想继续的这样下去  甚至可以有美好的结果
但是   对于别人来说
如果这件事失败了
那  我的失败将会是对于别人的自私
我负担不起这责任

痛... ...  很痛
在床上躺着  忽然那回忆触碰了那禁忌的爱
而且还是那还没好的伤口
很痛   真的痛得连叫喊都不是
痛得  连眼泪都流不出来
就只差在还没发出“（某某人）请救救我  现在很痛”
真的  我承认自己的自我疗伤已经近乎消失了
自从有人诉苦后
自己就软弱了许多  就连自己都觉得
为什么自己很像在别人面前做戏
是在引起别人的注意？

我真的不想的   对不起各位
我真的很撑不住了   想把他从我心中抽离
就好像把一路柱塞的河流
要让它重新的流动起来
堆积的   将会有如洪水般的汹涌泛滥的涌出

很痛  很痛
22岁的我  第一次尝试到别人口中所谓的心痛
这禁断爱  恐怕真的是我人生的绊脚石
要拿开  就只有让他帮我搬开
或者是  忍心的把它给搬开
其实很想自私的做一次
让他短痛的逝去  让我仅有一次的哭了、崩溃了
但是  我承担不起那后果的牵连
对不起  我做不到对死党们许下的承诺

我必须离开  这禁断爱
我对这份爱是拥有着无限的期待
但是   为了你好为了我好
我必须忍痛的放下
即使我哭了  也必须见到你的微笑
我会继续让我自己开心
继续努力的只当你的朋友
我会做到的  为了你为了我

爱情实在是太痛了
我已经害怕再一次承受着痛苦
很怕这种痛   无人知晓的痛
当自己一个人的时候
又再一次的想起   你的背影
触碰了  那伤口又裂了
会复原的   我相信
我仍然会有期待  但将会随着时间
逐渐消失

暂时的我  决定从此不碰爱情（说话要留后路）
我的自信没比别人高
我的外观亦没别人好
我不需活在别人的眼光中
我不需活在别人可怜中
我现在要的除了是我期待的
更渴望得到死党们、朋友们的支持

**如果“你” 看到的话（虽然不知你看到没）
我对你仍有期望
但我不能残忍的对待别人
我很怕失败  所以可能你不知道 这禁断爱

当你看到时  可能是好几十年后的今天
那我已不在有任何期许的年代
曾经爱过你   那是我的错误
不想看到你为难所以没跟你说
虽不公平 但也只好那么做
期望那一天   这禁断爱只留下了
朋友的羁绊
“我喜欢你” - 给予这禁断爱的另一个主角
为了你  我会想办法忘记这感觉
并不会舍弃你   即使不是情侣但我们还可以是朋友

一出戏

可能自己坏习惯的关系

每每都会把自己的人格投射进某个电影角色

直到看完为止  的确能够很明确地感受到

当时角色的情感

很多次也尝试不让自己去投入太深

可惜   没做到

这次失败了！完全陷入角色里头

这一出戏  完完全全的诠释我的心理

连我一直找不到的答案

最终都找到了  可怕的是

我选择了逃避

很多次尝试把自己抽离出来

偏偏就在这些时候

重新遇到了  那戏里头所想到的我人生中的画面

很害怕面对的一个人  而却不得不面对的人

工作上  完全因为这出戏带来的效果影响

犯贱的自己还下载了那首主题曲

看了那该死的 mv  犯贱的又让自己重新堕入了那可怕的漩涡

也因为这一出戏  不会哭得我

竟然到了崩溃的边缘

已经到了  可以随时都起自杀念头的我

我真的很讨厌很讨厌我这个人生

上天的确给了个很好的父母我着我无怨

祂  也给了我完美的家庭和朋友

但为什么就没有给我一个正常的性格与思想和去向

我找不到了  确确实实的迷路了

在这十字路口 我已没有走下去的力量

这出戏带来的影响真的太厉害了

很好看  而且也得过很多奖项

主角们也因此而成名 而且还非常红

可怕的是  这出戏无限量的把我收藏在心里的

不想面对的一切   随着影片的播放

将我收藏这些东西的玻璃瓶 一寸一寸的敲碎

戏播完了  玻璃瓶碎了

这时才发现  太迟了

我已经陷入无法收拾的地步

不擅长发泄的我  不会哭因为不懂的怎么哭

想找一个人谈时  却没人愿意听

我这犯贱的“贱人” 所说的话

天啊！我能不能够就这样离开

离开这一世的我 

恨我不懂的面对

恨我自己为什么会比别人不同

恨我自己 恨。。。

恨到想从摩天大楼跳下

恨到想用锋利的小刀划过手掌

我的人已经到了崩溃的边缘

可能可以慢慢的步入那大海的怀抱

至少能够冷静   至少有个。。。

一个人太久了累了。。。开始害怕孤单了

一出单纯的爱情泰国片既然能够把我敲碎

你拿的奖是值得的。。。 还是挺这出戏。。。

我？

真的！现实中我都在笑着！
真的！我一直都在给每个人机会
不管多少次  傻吧？
别人都说我脾气很好  那只是我不得不好

个人是最怕孤单的一个人
纯粹的寂寞 而加入了这世界的大圈子
加入了  害怕里头的人有一天会推出
而感到伤心  寂寞感再次来袭

我对我自己收藏了很多的秘密
这世界上都没有人知道
哪怕一点  都没有
但个人认为  应该有一个人知道
但是  他离我可能有点远
只是个可能  也没确定过
知道的也是那一二 而已

自己的世界  不跟别人一样
做任何的决定即使是恋爱都好
都必须三思而后行

很想大谈某些事情  但却因后果严重
而没有后文  折上这话题
藏回心里

可笑吧！懦弱的男子
我可以为拿别人都不会理会的电影
而自己消沉了好几天
有时可能会傻到  很想让自己大哭一场
但不知道为什么  眼泪就不肯留出来
不是害怕被看见 但就是没有

可能婴儿时期爱哭  而哭干了眼泪
现在的我 只有自己知道我在流眼泪
还在为某件事情儿迷蒙的我
开始不知所措  连轻生的念头都不知起了好几次

在学院时期  在很后端是
觉得开始找到一个  可以谈的人
但就因为学期结束  学院生活告一段落
而失去了聊谈的机会
可笑  觉得可以开口时
既然是闭嘴的时候   哈   哈   哈

老天真的开我很大的玩笑
让我在这人世间生活的第一天开始
就赐我这一个身体  这一个性别 这一个性格 和这一颗心和态度
我不会面对我自己  也不懂如何面对自己
责任上  工作上  朋友上  知己上  家人上  更不会面对情感上的自己

看到这篇东西的朋友不多
在这大胆地跟各位说   如果你是认识我
而你看到我这部落格
很不好意思  如果我不允许
你是不会知道的

我会继续的开心  以平时的我
我会继续的思念  以收藏秘密的我
我会继续的追寻  以现在执笔的我
我会继续的找寻   以后的我

哭。累

哭   只要有一滴眼泪流出就是哭吗？

那可不可以让我这冷血动物   

浩浩荡荡。。。

潇潇洒洒。。。

尽尽兴兴。。。

的来流一场泪

忍得很痛苦   有谁愿意来懂

我说了一声没事   过后绝对没有任何人的回应

对  话是我说在先

可是   适量的关心可是少之又少

我每次对人我敢说  我是以绝对的心态来对待你

换来的只是用完了。。。没用了。。。 就进垃圾桶的

我用心对你。。。换来却是冷冷的对待

有事时   名字绝对响彻云霄

没事时   “钟荣森”？谁来的

对吧？

很傻真的很傻！！每次遇到这种事

真的很想把我软弱的一面  完完全全抛露出来

但是   害怕的来的只是别人的冷眼对待

换来的只是一句“自找”。。。

每次都帮你们为你们找借口来说服自己

后来得到的永远都是一样的结果

对！我不敢做出任何反抗

因为我知道这是生存之道

戴了一个又一个的面具   披了一个又一个的假外皮

都是为了保护自己   结果换来的自私这两个字

来。。。谁来让我哭一场？

我很累了！没人想也愿意来安抚我！

每次还没触碰到我的心里的底层

就被我的三言两语推开了。。。这真的是保护自己的方法

很不想让心头的两个玻璃瓶爆破

我要的是有人能一勺一勺的帮我拿出来

认识我救了的人   就知道

我不可能会对别人说自己的伤心之处

同时也知道  能让我说完我伤心事的人

就只有  那个拥有我心中的钥匙的人

世界上就只有你能够去开启这扇门

这扇门后面的任何伤害  都不会侵犯你

只会因为你把门开了   那“水”流走了

累了。。。守着这门真的累了

我要的那个人   只是能够让我自然的哭出来

就只有这样  我才能说出真心话

别人灌醉后  才会说出真话

而想听到我的真心话   只有两个时候

1. “你”出现了。。。亦开启了那扇门

2. 我真的哭了。。。真的收拾不了了

钥匙已发。。。开不开是你的事了

对不起。。。 是我自私没能说出口

没能将我的感觉说出口

我真的很累了。。。。很想放下所有的东西

去一个能够让我开怀大笑后放心大哭的地方

或者至少可以让我放下自我的地方

2012 的结束

又是一年的结束
年尾生日的我  当然就在这时候
生日+圣诞+新年
都分开过   而且最近才发现
我的生日在圣诞四天后   新年三天前

今年婆婆说是大生日
就搞了个生日派对
不错可以让中学和学院的所有认识的朋友都到齐
还是个不错的日子   搞了整晚还可以继续2nd round 到半夜才回家
可怕 0.0
收到的礼物虽然不多  但全都非常非常喜欢
尤其是那梦寐已久的宫崎骏和久石让的音乐专辑
最近都在听呢  其他的当然一样的那么喜欢
不过在这里当然发生的几件不好的事
有位朋友来了生日派对后  结果就呕吐结果要进院
而一位呢就让他失去了他最最重要得东西
让我不知如何是好！极其内疚... 补偿？不可能的...
只能说对不起了！我真的尽力了... 到处乱翻后都没发现...
真的是说千百万的对不起都补偿不了...

圆满结束了我的生日派对后
当然就是新年倒数
虽然不及去年的气氛  不过也有不错的体验
就不说是什么体验啦（对男生来说是怪怪的但也是不错的尝试）
就这样在朋友家疯疯癫癫的又过了2012 年

的确今年的遗憾永远就只有一个
本来可能发生的因为自己的懦弱和胆小、顾虑与害怕
连累了  不能怪人还是自己的错
别人问  机会错过了会后悔吗？
如果我说会也不能挽回什么
那就让它慢慢地被时间冲淡
对自己虽说残酷、也是种折磨
每天过着的生活   虽不算行尸走肉
但... 也不会好过到哪里去
走远了  缘尽了  虽不散但也聚不了
现在也只能用音乐来弥补那空虚感

其实很想把你的记忆就留在2012年
甚至在29-12-2012 那天就留着就好
但是   原来我是一个这么会牵扯的人
还是在2013年开了头然后bring forward 旧账似的
带了下来   乖乖的接受吧
对自己残忍的终究是自己
让自己喜欢上了一个不许喜欢上的人
可怕的心  心猿意马应该就是这个意思吧
一颗心就想挣脱了绳子的猴子
到处乱来  结果受伤了怪的还是自己不乖
最后还是说声 “再见2012，欢迎你2013。"