What I did, what I have

Been through months that without blogging
to try to express my emotion in another way
but what I having now is just hiding the negative emotion
with some fake and funny laughs and smiles for sometimes while the emotion was there.

I'm watching some really lame western SOAP that none of my friends around understand
and I've no idea why I'm doing this but I just kind of like it
Every scene in every SOAP I am really put myself into it
Since from the first SOAP that I watched.

I could really easily got the emotion that the actors try to express
Negative or positive, I could really really get the feelings
then I trapped into a deep deep blue emotion and trying to hide it out

Sometimes I really praying for someone who I can really depends on
the one that could really understand the truth feeling that I actually hiding behind now
the one that could try to tell me that I could leave those "silly" SOAP away
that actually helping myself to getting more pathetic from time to time after watching them

I'm not really trying to accusing anyone, just that I couldn't really know that
why I'm doing something pathetic and hurting myself deeply and without any expression
then just "close case" after that...

There are many times that I could really release this bad habit
but it comes back while I'm staying alone
Ya!! Alone is a problem. I'm really stop socializing
closing myself from the outside world
Maybe I just really hate myself on even I couldn't really understand
what is going on inside me

After this I could really scold myself "you had what you did"
I've been losing everything I could lose except for my body
Even me self also not sure that I had lost my soul....
Stupid me but no sorry for me...

p/s : no offense to those SOAPs that mentioned.