Feeling of Autumn

I am a Malaysian, authentic ones
Who very very eager to move away from this country to go to the place that I had always dreaming of
To the place whereby I could start all over again... from ZERO
Like Jay Bell written in 'Something Like Autumn'
"Autumn diassembled what summer had supported, forcing flowers to give up their petals, plucking the leaves from the trees and blowing it all away with the same winds birds took flight on. Then came winter's white blanket, returning the world to an empty canvas so a new spring could begin."
I truly agree on this line, where I being put up many things by my family, friends or even strangers and of course myself.
Its neither things too bad for me that make me run away nor its too good for me that I am not feeling enough
Its just that the layers that been putting in front of me are sometimes make me feel fake for myself.

I am eager to find an life accompaniment, but somehow I was freaked out when the options are too widely open or too many choices for me.
I had no idea on what happen on the world outside. I am not good in expressing the feeling deep down inside myself. Even at the front of a person that I knew for years.
I sicked of myself, for being such a coward as like the post that I previously posted.
I hate myself so much that I had thought so many ways to get out of this way.
Feeling of lost and unhandled is just not me. I would rather running away than facing to fight with it.

I really am feeling boring. That it is enough to scare and chase everyone trying to get near to me away
The friendly that I had presented was somewhat too overwhelming for others to accept.
I had regretted what I had did to those who I done this to.
Freaking people out like I am eager to swallow them into my stomach in whole.

I really do want to start all things over again.
Not concerning that what it takes, if there is a chance, I will
I will run out of this place, get a new fresh start.
Hoping that I wouldnt mess up and successfully build up a newly and self-comfortable ME at somewhere out there

I am now at the stage of summer, where everything comes near to support me to grow
At some point, I have to save all this nutrition to another place
and put myself growing there.
Start from this, I should always bare this sentence in mind: "Eager doesn't help, but get worse!"

Another Giving Up

Things were just happened few months ago
With this person that took over my heart just in first sight
How could it so easy?! Just because.... no reason

The way that the thing goes between this person and me was totally and absolutely fast
What would happen just happened
But, I couldn't get what is in this person's mind
like every the silence after the laugh and conversation
like I'm there but I'm not
I barely catch the response that gave from this person to me

But though... I'm still into... fallen
It's just hard to turn away
Things were gone very out of my expectation
Some significant signs for me was just some common signs that this person put out
I am those person who like to self interpret everything I felt or seen
And of course this time I do too

Finally, this person made me upset and upset again
This upset is not because that this person did anything wrong, absolutely not
Everything I was just so volunteer
Was thought that these could finally bring back something
Even not as expected but some

Some... just some... they do
some of these voluntaries do
But I don't know if I am too greedy to expect more or anything
I just couldn't get the enough "expected response"
I just felt hot and cold in just couple of hours
I felt like I'm there but I'm not

Everytime I scream to myself
getting enough of it, but there are still some excuses or even attractions that brought me back into
when the time that I was trying hard to pretend just nothing
and Everything just happens in front of me EVERYTHING

Saying giving up tonight
and if this person did something on the next day... (something could be one thing)
the promises would just fade

I could keep the promises to myself for this person
That promise myself that just don't give a look or care to this person anymore
and this would just totally vanished with a wink of this person

My friends are all slapping me
Asking me to wake up from this self fantasy
What I try to say now is:"I'm trying, very hard... too hard that I hurting myself."

None of any of these words above accusing "this person"
All these happened just because of I'm being too "newbie" for Love
At least I had tried for anything or everything

Believe In

The past few weeks before this was posted up here
I was trying to get to know to someone new, that would possible be my partner
I got one, this was a person that attracted me with smile
No reason, but attracted.

Trying a few ways to get through and to be contacted
Of course I did it eventually
The person's appearances was attracted me, and the deep inside is good... very good
I could say that the most self-defense-less person that i knew
since that we knew only each other for only few days...

But after talking for few days, I was realized that things happened to be too fast
and I was realized that I was getting know to another 'sibling' instead of 'partner'
Of course I pull out everything eventually

I hate things to be messy, I have so much of things to worry
and I looking for a person that could take good self care even without helping on me
I do not like that all things has to push to one side that make a burden to another person
after being together

I would really like to share my everything to my partner
I would really do whatever that my partner asking to
Only in the way that, we take things equally, not dependent always to the other partner

I really will give anything as long I could
I really will do everything as long I should
But in the sense that, make me feel "I willing to"

What I believe in relationship is, "I do"
These words, this sentence make happiness
Everything that I giving is not forcing,
everything that I receiving is all in "I wish to"

"I can take care of myself, and I'm not looking for anyone to taking care of me
I looking for a partner not a mother"
This is what I always holding while I expecting or meeting someone.

P/S : Bluffing passage, just spill out all here...