In or Out? Tick or Cross?

I've took a month of leave
For mind clearance before proceeding to my whole new life
The another stage of my life

During this month, I had finally found myself out
The one that always staying in the confusion
But while the way of searching and looking
The more answer I got, the more chaotic my mind is
Repeating those movies that I got my answer from
Watch over and over again...
Don't ask why, I had no any idea why I'm doing this

Soap Opera is the word that I never thought that I will touch in my life
It seems meaningless to me previously
The first Soap Opera that I watched surprisingly was a Germany Soap Opera - Verbotene Liebe
The stories inside telling me that to preserve a long term relationship are to confess their secret
and most important to be faithful to his/her partner
But the question came to my mind after watching the movie is "Is faithfulness still exist in a relationship?"
Question Remained Unanswered

From the recommended video by the channel that I watching
I found the second "Soap Opera" that attracted me and quite surprise also
A Spanish TV Series - Física o Química
The story setting was in a high school that telling the story of the students in a school
How relationship end and how another starts
How regret is while losing someone that loved you or in love with
The most thing I got in this drama is "Learnt to cherish, only while something is lost"

This two drama re-messed up my mind so much
That should I choose what I had chosen
I can't just simply get what I want in my life
The consequences coming are not as easy as I expect
Should or shouldn't is the question that I always asking
I really really scared that I had missed a chance or an option
But I also scared that the choice I'd picked would hurt the people I use to care around me

Throughout the month, I realized something
But also had messed up everything
Its a lucky month for me? or a bad month for me?
A good choice to take a rest? or A bad choice to make myself free for thinking?

Music score and Me

Trapping myself with past scene
While fantasy and picture mixed
It make days become worse to me
You are the one that "fragiled" me
and you too that make me realized
Fantasy couldn't stand long in realistic

A piano pedal makes the music sounds worse if it doesn't release fairly
Only the balance action on pressing and releasing could make the performace sounds amazing
Now I'm pressing the pedal as hardly as I could
Thinking that the sustaining sound could last forever
But it makes the music worse
joining all unrelated individual together

Yup, a tie in music score is working
That could make bonds while bar line is seperating
But only for right notes that sounds agree with each other
Are you the one? I'm still holding pedal.... and I'll stay don't know until I release and make things clear

Two ways:
1. Replay that paragraph but with pressing pedal fairly and correctly
2. Forget the previous paragraph move forward and learn from the previous.

I like this paragraph so much
But it is in minor key
Do the score continue to be in minor?
Who knows except the composer...

Decide, Decided, Decision

Jay Brannan - the singer that only recognized by me recently
Because of the song that he sang in one movie and the song name called "Lower my Gun"
That impressed me so much on the emotional days I had recently.
Actually I can't really get the whole meaning of the song
but the melody and the style of this song attracting me so much
especially the intro chords of the songs.

His kinda courageous that he wrote words that hard to seen in ordinary songs' lyrics
but its fine for me, the appearance of those words are just like
"Ya, it should be there. This word should appear in this line."

The another song that touches my recent emotion
 "Can't Have it All"  by Jay Brannan
I am now living in a choosing life
That I have to choose from choices that given to me
but I would really like to have all of those choices
The words that immediate came out in my thought are
"Why I  shouldn't choose all of them? Why should I choose?"
Just like the lyrics of the song said
"F*** this, this can't be my life" and "Its driving me crazy that I can't have it all"

I don't think the world outside is greater than what I see now
I just wanna to have the things I like to around
Why should I choose from all the things that I love?
Why should I choose from my love with their love?
I'm just the one, that scared to be alone,
I just want someone that I considered and considering me
Someone that "Lower my Gun"