Wednesday, May 25, 2016

体验人生

现实生活中的我  都努力给别人正能量
所以打算把这里偶尔也正能量些
其实很多时候我自己沉淀在自己的痛苦中
又或是自己对他的留恋(暗恋)的时候
都会在想逃出来的时候  却被自己狠狠拖了一把又坐了下来
上一篇到这一篇相隔这么久的时间  中间发生了很多事情
譬如:父亲突然的离世,家庭纠纷和分离等等....
当然远远不止这些... 

很幸运的 今天在写这一篇的我走出来了
但是对于那个心里面的那个人
还是找不到处置的方式  也罢... 
偶尔的想念  不妨是灵感来源

值得庆幸的是  在这段期间
有人给了我一个问题  "什么叫体验人生?“
到我解答了这个问题 的时候
负能量原来都是自己给自己的
多方面  多角度的思考
事情总不可能是一面的

我的体验人生?想去那里就去那里,简单、放松、自由
能够去体验到别人的人生
不过我还是放不下他  还是觉得那么一丁点的可能
也不能放过  我怕小幸运的幸运就这么错过了
在那方面就用歌词表达吧!

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

理智 vs 感性

直到最近才发现原来我对我喜欢的事物特别容易走心
而且会至于到连我自己都无法想像的程度
突然的自我理解当然少不了一些自我惩罚和自省的过程
我不能说这“过程”已经结束
可能最适合的表达是:每次心里再次翻腾或想起或冲动的时候都告诉自己“别再折磨自己”,“这又何苦呢?”,“看开吧”,“放下吧”等等的劝着自己放下的句子
一天,两天的过去,有时连自己都恨自己懦弱和迂回
到最后可能连自己都对这些句子麻木了,虽有卸下包袱的感觉,但是当某些事情唤醒了一些回忆的时候,那些冲动和自我惩罚的动作还是会从心里挣脱束缚的肆虐着自己的心里像第一天决定放手时一样

不知道是上天开的玩笑,在这种感性和理智交战的过程让我看到了一部正在诉说着自己的电影 - 蓝宇
里头的故事情节里的每个起承转合都深深的打入心里, 感觉自己就很像里头的蓝宇
当然这时候的我坏毛病犯着了,我非常痛恨我这毛病。只要我对那电影产生了某种共鸣
我会无意识的把自己镶嵌到那角色身上
他们的心情,感受,动作都让我亲身经历般的感受着
尤其这部电影,我让我自己毫无保留地陷入,镶入蓝宇这角色
终于在看完后,我自己静静的以哑子呐喊的方式大喊了一场,然后没有流泪只有抽搐的哭了一场
就是这第二天,才正式开始有卸下重担的感觉
这是从蓝宇这角色身上学到的,既然不能再一起何苦煎熬,到不如埋在心里一层一层地用其他事情覆盖上
我承认这不是最好的方法,单在无计可施又不想忘记的自我犯贱的情况下,不失为一个不错的方法

犯贱的事情当然不只如此
看过这部电影一个星期后终于按耐不住自己的好奇心
在网上搜出蓝宇的原作小说 - 北京的故事
再次把自己镶入了里头的角色
而这次不再是蓝宇的身上,而是主人翁的身上
用不同的角度去了解为何他会对蓝宇做出这种连他自己都后悔的事情
还好这次自己没有入戏太深,但读完后还是有揪心的感觉
可能看过了电影,会比较容易以电影里看到的人物和情节带入小说里的每个情节吧

自从这过后,在短短的五天时间里
又看了三本小说,这已经打破我人生看书数量的记录了
我可以每次都看到很入神,偶尔走心,但是很快的发现后就让自己休息一会儿后再继续
这样的日子过了好几天,我自己到觉得没什么
可能填补了失去的空虚,寂寞时候的孤单吧
至少能够让我填补了胡思乱想的时间,抑制了自己多次的冲动

这些陪伴我的小说的年龄可能比我实际年龄相差无机
但是看得还算津津有味,给了我不少的启示
至少帮我再次遇上让我冲动这件事,我能够用我的理智战胜了我的感性
自己虽然伤痕累累但是我并不埋怨任何人,事 或 物
因为这是成长的营养,让我见识到了这社会的现实,温暖,冷酷,感动
我不后悔,即使让我重新选择我也会走这条路
虽然难熬,但还是撑过来了
下次的见面,我不敢说没有冲动
但握有信心,至少我会比以前来得理智,淡定

P/S: 筱禾的作品我个人还是蛮喜欢的。(北京的故事的作者)

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Feeling of Autumn

I am a Malaysian, authentic ones
Who very very eager to move away from this country to go to the place that I had always dreaming of
To the place whereby I could start all over again... from ZERO
Like Jay Bell written in 'Something Like Autumn'
"Autumn diassembled what summer had supported, forcing flowers to give up their petals, plucking the leaves from the trees and blowing it all away with the same winds birds took flight on. Then came winter's white blanket, returning the world to an empty canvas so a new spring could begin."
I truly agree on this line, where I being put up many things by my family, friends or even strangers and of course myself.
Its neither things too bad for me that make me run away nor its too good for me that I am not feeling enough
Its just that the layers that been putting in front of me are sometimes make me feel fake for myself.

I am eager to find an life accompaniment, but somehow I was freaked out when the options are too widely open or too many choices for me.
I had no idea on what happen on the world outside. I am not good in expressing the feeling deep down inside myself. Even at the front of a person that I knew for years.
I sicked of myself, for being such a coward as like the post that I previously posted.
I hate myself so much that I had thought so many ways to get out of this way.
Feeling of lost and unhandled is just not me. I would rather running away than facing to fight with it.

I really am feeling boring. That it is enough to scare and chase everyone trying to get near to me away
The friendly that I had presented was somewhat too overwhelming for others to accept.
I had regretted what I had did to those who I done this to.
Freaking people out like I am eager to swallow them into my stomach in whole.

I really do want to start all things over again.
Not concerning that what it takes, if there is a chance, I will
I will run out of this place, get a new fresh start.
Hoping that I wouldnt mess up and successfully build up a newly and self-comfortable ME at somewhere out there

I am now at the stage of summer, where everything comes near to support me to grow
At some point, I have to save all this nutrition to another place
and put myself growing there.
Start from this, I should always bare this sentence in mind: "Eager doesn't help, but get worse!"